Songs we sing at the end of the day: Autumnal Equinox and the gifts we give ourselves.

I almost missed the Autumnal Equinox this year. I was running around and borrowing time from myself, and had to yell myself out the door (with a little help from beloveds) to make a ceremony happen. 

Until now, I couldn’t imagine a world where I might miss one of the most important days of the year, more celebrated than my birthday! And yet, the level of disorientation in the dumpster-inferno-pandemic-business-casual has been really alarming. I’ve been getting by on handfuls of berries, moon rise singing and flower offerings, and sporadic night time porch journaling; It scared me to be distant enough from the shifting season that it barely registered.

Hurrying and harried, I set out my blanket, travel altar, and empty notebook, poured myself and the earth a cup of tea, prepared my offerings, and sat waiting.  It’s amazing to me how our true nature floods back into our bodies when we allow it to.  Even the creature teachers I was with sat still with me. In just an hour and a half, I cried some stuck tears, grateful to be re-membered to the earth, welcomed by the stars, and Venus, and a growing nurturant dark.

GIF of a section of Sam Rise’s Alar on the Autumn Equinox; Flickering candles, porcelain tea cups, bells, the gold foil of rich dark chocolate and am assortment of small tincture bottles spread across a cotton blanket.

Come Autumn, I love that my whole being becomes an antennae - even as all my senses are heightened, my body relaxes. I Remember that I was born for noticing, for tuning to change.  The spring side of winter is so hard for me - harsh and harrowing, spent holding on and scanning the great for signs of life.  But this side of winter is rich, full, bursting, and cool enough to enjoy all the blessings, all the day.

handfuls of berries, figs, plums, flowers and other fruits gathered over the summer in succession, palms spread to hold them all.

Most of the time, I relate to fall in its honeyed abundance— such a generous time! Harvest! Festival! Remembrance! mischief! As a child, I thanked the trees for offering us fire in the skies to warm the earth, even though they could feel the cold in their toes. 

I’m always touching gratitude in the fall, and it inspires–commands me, even– to give and give, willingly and joyfully! And I have, and I do– but I’ve always struggled with balance and temperance, and anything low-stakes (Libra energy is *not* something I identify with).  Up until recently I hadn’t felt or found for the true bottom of my own reserve… some recent physical and mental health crises, along with the generosity and loving firmness of dear friends, have brought my attention to Fall in a new way.

For all that the season offers us, Autumn is also a time when the earth gives back to herself; storing up the sunlight and warmth from the longest days of the year, drawing energy back down into her roots and bulbs to overwinter; dropping excess to make rich earth under snow and frost and time. In the fall, nothing is wasted; in the fall, nothing is worth more than this day– including the moments and offerings we extend to ourselves.

This season I am committed to offering myself gifts as I offer them to the world.  My attention, my presence, my joy, my grief, my capacity to heal.  I plan to say a few more no’s than I am comfortable saying; to leave blank space on my calendar, and leave many moments unaccounted for.  I plan to give myself more Saturdays and Sundays and evenings, to play, and learn, and massage my knees and heels. I plan to honor my grief, and the losses I’ve sustained this year.

I want to make more music and offerings, and find new ways to share them with you! I have missed making music so much that it hurts…literally. so I’m going to start lessons up again and voice therapy soon. I may not be as vocal in the streets as I’ve been this past year, but I’ll be there, amplifying our collective voices.  I plan to make my own art a priority, introspection a priority, and exploration a priority - I’m learning that it’s a worthy contribution to our liberation!

I’ve been making new music, and singing with friends toward new shows and experiences, it’s been grand.  I’m hoping to head upstate some to practice imagining with beloveds.  I’ll be in Asheville for a whole week in October, and I’ve really never been, save one brief delicious breakfast! If you’re a friend or future friend, maybe I’ll see you there?  You can also buy the last of my merch from Brighter Days, pay what you wish: I so want to create something new, maybe you’ll help me make room.

a male praying mantis dances on the iron of sam rise’s front porch, forceps outstretched with the nearly full moon in the background, and a globe light shining at his back.

I imagine the first days of Autumn as day and night, dancing in the kitchen after the work of the day is drying on the rack or put up on the shelf. The light softens, nodding their sweet head onto the shoulder of cool breathed dark. The sweetness, softness, sensuality of this small surrendering -  makes me feel the most alive.  Arms around my waist from behind, mouth pressed to my ear, whispering it’s time to wind down.

I *think* I’m sincerely looking forward to resting my head on the shoulder of the season, and to let the load lighten.  I miss this feeling. Here’s to the songs we sing at the end of the day.

Loving you,

sam rise

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10’ tall coneflower rising against an eerie lilac sky.